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Jul. 29th, 2004 @ 10:32 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: sadsad... angry... pittifull
GOD HELP ME, DO YOU LIKE TO SEE ME LIKE THIS. THIS ISNT WHAT I PRAYED FOR WITH MADDY. WHY THE FUCK DO WE FIGHT. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU CHANGE THINGS. DO YOU LIKE THIS, LIKE ME LIKE THIS, LIKE ME DEPRESSED. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT WITH MADDY AND ME. TO FIGHT AND BE DEPRESSED ALL THE FUCKING TIME. SHED SOME LIGHT SOMEWHERE. I HAVE TO MOVE. I FIGHT. MADDY SEEMS TO HATE ME SOMETIMES. JUST ABSOLUTELY HATE ME. WHY LORD. IS THIS YOUR WILL. DO YOU JUST WANT TO SEE ME A FUCKING WREAK. CURSING AT THE LORD. MY WRISTS ACH, THEY ACH TO BE CUT. WHY DO THEY ACH. WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU MAKE THEM STOP. I FEEL HATE RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS. MY HEART IS RACING. ITS SAID YOU DONT GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE, IF THATS SO, WHY DO MY WRISTS ACH. THE VEINS BULGING IN THEM. JUST WAITING TO BLEED. WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. PLEASE. IM BEGGING YOU. I WANT TO BE HAPPY I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MADDY I WANT MADDY TO BE HAPPY I WANT TO BE ALIVE. SHOULD I BREAK UP WITH HER. IS THAT BEST. AM I THE ONE MAKING HER DEPRESSED. IT SEEM I ALWAYS AM. I KNOW THAT HALF THE TIME I AM. WHY DOES SHE SAY BITTER THINGS. WHY DO I SAY BITTER THINGS. I DIDNT WANT TO. ITS JUST... AFTER SHE MADE THOSE TWO STABS... I FELT SO...SO... I DONT KNOW I FELT LIKE SHIT. WHY. FOR WHAT. WHY DO I NEED TO FEEL THIS WAY. WHAT DO I GET OUT OF IT. WHAT DO YOU GET OUT OF IT. ENJOYMENT? GIVE ME SOME ANSWERS GODDAMNIT, I WANT ANSWERS NOW. IM ASKING YOU NOW. SHOW ME SOMETHING... ANYTHING. GET ME OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION. GET ME INTO YOUR LIGHT. GET MADDY INTO YOUR LIGHT. GET MADDY AND I TOGETHER. LET US NOT FIGHT. WHY DO WE FIGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. OH GOD, I FEEL LIKE CRYING. MY EYES ACH TO CRY BUT THEY DONT. DO YOU STOP THEM. WHY DONT THEY JUST CRY. I WANT TO CRY. I WANT TO CRY FOR MY PITTIFUL SELF....
look down on me Lord and show pitty. Im not a perfect person. Im not a good person. I sin and dont mind. I fight and almost thrill in it - a bad thrill but... show me mercy oh God. I need you. you are the potter I am the clay. mold me and my life to whatever the fuck you want. your son suffered for me. why should I not suffer? I deserve to suffer, right? such pitty, such disgrace... I am ugly... worthless... useless...
About this Entry
Calvin
primitive_lozer:
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From:seventh_trilogy
Date:July 30th, 2004 01:55 pm (UTC)
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*gently strokes his hair* I love you, Cody.